The Last Post

Leaving is so hard. I don't know if saying goodbye is easier when you feel the reality of it to the pit of your stomache, or if each time you become a little more numb to it until you're hardly phased... Unfortunately I will have several opportunities to find out.

I don't know if me leaving home was because I needed to get away, or because I needed to discover apart of myself that couldn't stretch it's legs inside of a classroom, church or at home. It's hard to understand life in its progress, it takes a bit of separation from the ordinary to find some clarity. I needed to leave my thoughts, friends, family and all my "known" behind to come back with my eyes a bit more open.

I don't think I ever knew that it was about changing my world. Maybe you knew that all along, Mom and Dad. Maybe you already knew before I left that it was only the prologue of the book I am in the process of writing. Thanks for letting me go. And thank you for letting me come home. Thank you for releasing me to leave and come home again when my feet need to go barefoot once more. I love you.

Mom, I remember one morning while you were flipping pancakes you told me, "Steph, I really hope you find your voice in writing again. It was beautiful." At the time I thought nothing of it, but you spoke that over my life nonetheless and I want to thank you, because I think I have. God has given me a peace over my thoughts and a confidence over my words that I have never had before, and I'm excited to see where that develops.

Life is more than clothes and cars and a new flavor of toothpaste, that it is community and creation and beauty and humanity. And I think I am starting to prefer the latter to the former; by that I mean I am getting used to not having any music or television and not pulling over and buying something as a way of feeling some kind of change. There is a serenity in life, after all, and once a withdrawl is felt at having left the lies behind, a soul begins to feel at home in it's own skin. - Donald Miller

The other day I had to say a hard goodbye to a bunch of my friends including my big brother. It was tough, and I realized that this season of my life really is over. I have found that in times like this it is easier to see the end, not the new beginning because there is always this dark area inbetween full of doubt, displacement and confusion. After saying our goodbyes, the next thing I know I find myself bundled up in my sleeping bag on Nobbi's beach watching the sunrise.

This season is over, it finishes reluctantly and even in the midst of my anticipation of going home, I miss this place. I miss the people, environment, accents and what could have been had I stayed longer. I'm not going to try to summarize this experience, or the foul taste I've carried for the past week, but I do know, that even though it's dark in the period between dusk and dawn, the sunrise is always faithful, and always beautiful.